Seven Reasons You're Not Having Sex
By Hugh Wilson
There are many reasons that men don't have sex, the most usual being that they don't have anyone to have sex with. Illness, impotence and abstinence are also perfectly compelling reasons for men not having sex.
But healthy men in relationships should be having sex, surely? They should be having sex regularly, and at the outset of the relationship they should be having sex pretty much all the time, with short breaks for work, sleep, sustenance and so on.
In fact, it's often not as simple as that. When relationships mature beyond the 'like bunnies' stage, it's not unusual for men, in particular, to wonder where the sex went. Relationship therapists say that one recurring problem is a growing mismatch between the sex men think they should be getting, and the sex they actually are.
Sometimes, sex problems within couples are deep and ingrained. And sometimes a few minor changes can help to close the gap between the sex you'd like and the sex you get.
So here are seven reasons you're not having sex, and what you can about them:
Your bedroom isn't sexy anymore
According to experts, beds should be reserved for sex and sleep, to make sure you get plenty of both.
It might not bother you, but if you eat in bed, or watch TV, or text, or answer emails, it takes away the idea of the bedroom as a sexy place.
Sex therapists advise that bedrooms be clean, unfussy and romantically lit - and also a technology free zone.
You're too busy
That can mean you, your partner, or both of you. You might be fine with a quickie before work, but your partner may only respond to less rushed bouts of intimacy. In which case, you really have to start planning for sex in a way that would have been unthinkable when you were 21.
Quite simply, set your diaries for sex. Schedule it into your week, make sure you have the time and energy you need to really enjoy it, and don't miss the 'appointment' unless you really, really have to.
Yes, it's not the impromptu bouts of passion you used to enjoy, but scheduled sex that you can look forward to has a charm all of its own.
You don't like your body
It's a popular misconception that only women hate their bodies. But a bit of extra spread round the middle or the sprouting of incipient man boobs can leave men feeling less than sexy, too.
We fear that our partners may have gone off us, or that we repel them, or that when they have sex with us they're busy fantasising about sex with someone leaner and fitter. So we start to avoid sex altogether.
The obvious answer is that those things are unlikely to be true. But the obvious solution is to take some exercise anyway. Exercise will make you feel better about yourself, and will flood your system with the sort of chemicals that encourage sexual intimacy.
So go and pound the streets, then go and p....let's not go there.
You spend too long on the, um, internet
It's perfectly healthy to have sexual fantasies, as long as they don't get in the way of your real, physical, mutually satisfying sex life.
It may be fantasies born of the bits of the internet you wouldn't be surfing at work, or it might simply be a dream about the office intern (and her twin sister). Whatever it is, if it's interfering with your real sex life - you know, the one that makes you feel warm and loved and really rather wonderful - it's time for it to take a back seat.
You're bored of sex
When you've been having sex with the same person for a long time, it can become a bit - well - routine. But it doesn't have to. You just have to put some effort and imagination into keeping it fresh.
Think about role-playing (you both have to get over your embarrassment, but it can make for sexier sex), spreading your sex life around different rooms and times, or going out on dates again like you did when you first met (with guaranteed happy endings).
Really, it's up to you. But the key is not just to 'make do' with the same old same old. Sex is as much in the brain as in the pants, so make use of your vibrant imagination.
You have too much entertainment
You come in from work, cook, eat and wash up. There's a film you want to see, a programme you recorded from last night, and a couple of Facebook requests to answer. Oh, and then you want to get past a tricky bit on Call of Duty, and possibly fit in a run.
After that, you plan to indulge in a long and glorious sex session with your pretty and virile partner.
Unfortunately, by the time you've done all that your pretty and virile partner is fast asleep.
If you find this happening a lot, schedule the sex for earlier in the evening, when you've both got more energy and before other things intervene to sap away your time.
Your partner doesn't want it
There could be all sorts of reasons for this. She might be stressed, her contraceptive may be lowering her testosterone levels (and consequently her sex drive) or there may even be a medical issue. Of course, she may just not fancy you anymore (perish the thought!).
You can do something about the last one - shape up, take better care of yourself, move the Xbox out of the bedroom - but the others may require professional intervention.
If either of your libidos has dropped like a stone for no obvious reason, it might be worth suggesting a quick check up at the GP
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